When Being a Mommy is Tiring

I love being a mommy. There are so many moments of happiness in my life because of my little Queen B. I can’t help but smile whenever she grins at me. My heart melts every time she reaches out with her tiny hands to touch my face. But motherhood is not always a bed of roses. I learned it the hard way.

The past couple of weeks have been extremely difficult and exasperating for me. I thought my baby and I already have a well-oiled routine. Well, if there is one thing constant in life it is change. Georgina is growing up so fast and along with it are tons of developments. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to adapt as fast as I should which caused me to spiral down into a pit of self-pity and hopelessness.

It all started with my little Queen B’s separation anxiety. For days, I must be within her sight and reach all day long. At first, it is endearing that she wanted to be near me all the time but it soon become frustrating when trips to the bathroom requires careful planning so she won’t notice I left her side. Then there is my irritation at feeding her solids. Instead of eating like she already does before, she only plays with the food I especially prepared. It was maddening to see my efforts go to waste.

The thing that really tested my patience was getting her to sleep at night and keeping her that way. Making her fall asleep was already hard as she is now more curious than ever about her surroundings. Even though she is already sleepy she still wants to play and explore. I would like her to be asleep by 9 in the evening but if she is snoozing by 11 in the evening I am already so thankful. Her late bedtime was relatively tolerable for me as I am naturally a night owl but for days she kept waking up almost every hour to nurse. Making matters worse, she wanted a different breast each time. She will not settle down until she is nursing on the “correct” breast. Instead of always keeping her on the side of the bed that will put her between me and the wall, I sometimes have to move her to the other side of the bed. I have to keep myself awake so I can transfer her back to the safer side and thus ensuring she will not fall on the floor by accident since she tosses and turns during sleep. A few days of this and I already felt like I was transported back to the notorious newborn days.

On September 19, my little Queen B’s first tooth came out. She is teething which perfectly explains why she was fussy for days. I thought the storm was over and everything will go back to normal. Well, it did for a few days and then we fell ill. 

For a week, Georgina and I fought a virus that caused us to have runny noses and coughs. Since she was not feeling well, she became fussy again. Unlike adults or just older kids, she still doesn’t know how to wipe her own nose. She had  to rely on me to repeatedly do this for her. Sleeping, again, is hard for her. And I know she finds it painful when she coughs. As any mother would do, I place my baby’s needs first before mine. Slowly, she started getting better but I became worse.

Last week I woke up with a pounding headache. My coughs and runny nose were more severe too. I tried to rest the whole day and let my Mama and niece care for Georgina but as soon as I heard my baby cry instinctively I got up from the bed and comfort her. I also nursed her every 3 hours. It was also still my job to change the insert of her cloth diaper.  In the end, I wasn’t really able to rest well. By evening all I wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep but my little Queen B had other plans. Even though she barely has an afternoon nap she remains energetic and active. There were moments she will show she is tired in which I’ll immediately nurse her to sleep but after getting her fill of milk her eyes will open signalling she wanted to play again. I tried to rock her to sleep but to no avail. As much as I hate doing it I even tried the cry it out method by placing her in her playpen (which she dislikes nowadays, I guess because it limits her exploration) but a minute or two of her crying makes me get her again. This pattern repeated itself several times that night until at past midnight when I almost snapped.

I am thankful I was able to catch myself and follow an advice I have read. I placed Georgina at the playpen and left the room. It was painful to hear her wails for me but I know if I had stayed a second longer I might be able to hurt her. As I try to calm myself, my sister who has heard Georgina’s screams soothed her. I went to the bathroom and cried my heart out.

I prided myself as being prepared to become a mom. As soon as I got pregnant, I have read as much as I can about babies and taking care of them. I even attended a childbirth class with J. Aside from techniques to do while in labour, we were also taught basic care for babies. The Smart Parenting Magazine’s Baby Shower which I also attended has some lectures about babies as well. J and I even talked at length about how we want to raise our child. So it is frustrating to experience failure to just make my little Queen B fall asleep.

As I splash cold water on my face, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:4. Love is patient.  Patience, as defined by vocabulary.com, is the ability to wait something out or endure something tedious without getting riled up. My baby doesn’t know that I’m not feeling well. She still can’t understand my pleas for her to sleep so I can do the same. She is a baby who needs all the patience in the world.

Before going back to our room, I offered a short prayer to God to give me more patience as I handle my baby who back then is clamouring for my care and attention. After a short nursing session, my little Queen B finally fell asleep.

I wish I could say that I am back to my usual happy self after that incident. My descent to gloominess, unfortunately, did not end that night but continued on for days. My mood resembled the weather of the past weeks. I am cheerful this minute the next I’m sad like the sun shining brightly this hour but the next hour brings dark clouds.

Due to Georgina’s teething and becoming ill, the past weeks were all about her. From the moment I wake up, all I do is related to her. I can’t even finish a blog post (which actually is also about her) because my attention is always on her. I really wanted to take a break but a part of me knows that these are the times she needed me the most. I am able to help her get through these trying times but I am in danger of falling into depression.

Last Sunday was my 32^nd birthday. J bought me a cake. Mama cooked spaghetti. My sister and niece greeted me with much enthusiasm. My Facebook Timeline is full of birthday greetings. Everyone was in a celebratory mood except me, the birthday celebrant. It was then that I had my breakthrough.

I realized that instead of wallowing in self-pity I can choose to be thankful and happy. Eight months ago, Georgina can only lift her head for a few seconds during tummy time. Now, she can pull herself up to stand. Eight months ago, her smiles are not really smiles according to the books. Now, she does not only smile, she also grins and squeals in delight. She also screams when frustrated. My baby is growing up so fast and I’m blessed I get to experience all these firsts with her. Time flies and soon she will be able to walk without support. In the near future, she will no longer need me as much as she does now. I should just enjoy these moments with her. Of course, I am also aware that I need to take care of myself too, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. I must make time for “me” as well as J, who I’m afraid I have also neglected because of Georgina.

In the end, it goes back to love. I love being a mommy. My heart is bursting with love for my little Queen B. I must be patient with her and not easily irritated by her antics. I love being a wife. I am blessed to have the most patient and loving husband in J. I must be kind to him. He is my partner whom I can always count to be there. I also love myself. If things don’t go my way, then maybe God wants me to see another path.

Earlier today, I really wanted to finish this post (which I actually started after her first tooth erupted) before the afternoon ends but Georgina is already bored with her toys. I set my laptop aside and played with her almost all afternoon. We also went outside for a short walk. Right now, after our day of fun she is sleeping peacefully and finally, finally here I am nearing the end of this long post.

I started this blog to share how my baby inspires me. She still does. My experience the past weeks taught me that inspiration does not only come from happy moments. Inspiration can also sprout from sadness. Like in the Disney movie Inside Out, sadness is not an emotion we should rid ourselves of. Sadness can also make us better and stronger. I believe I am a better mom, a better wife, and a better person because of what I’ve been through.

#xoxo