Why I Get Hannah Baker of 13 Reasons Why

It has been a while since I stayed up until almost dawn. Motherhood and homemaking are soooo tiring that by 9 in the evening I am already yawning. But last week for two nights I stayed up far longer than my usual snooze time to binge-watch Thirteen Reasons Why. The original series from Netflix is based on Jay Asher’s novel of the same title. It tells the story of Hannah Baker and her 13 reasons for ending her life.

Like the other characters in the novel and series, some people will find it hard to understand why she committed suicide. For them, her reasons were not enough. A lot of people had far worse situations to overcome. She was selfish for not thinking of her parents. Maybe, her character was just weak. But for me, I get her. I don’t approve of what she did but I get why the hypothetical Hannah Baker ended her life because once I thought of doing the same too.

High school was also difficult for me. It was a period of uncertainties and insecurities. Everything seemed to be a competition and, sadly, I am not winning.

I am studious but despite my hard work, I can’t make it to the top 10 of our class because of my Math grades. Honestly, it took me long after high school to find out that I can actually learn Math, just using a different method. Extracurricular activities were also full of competition though I must say that one of my chosen fields had continuously uplifted me as I was the Literary Editor of our school paper for years. And as shallow as it may seem now, attention and affection from the opposite sex look like war back then.

To make matters worse, my family life is not so rosy. My Papa brought home his mistress to live with us. Even though she didn’t physically hurt us I am painfully aware of the difference she treated her son compared to us. Also, we are struggling financially which my younger-self didn’t understand, or to be honest refused to understand. Lastly, I am keeping a secret that, unbeknown to me, is slowly damaging my soul.

Like Hannah, it was also in my junior year in high school that I have thought of ending my life. All of our subjects seem to revolve around Math which I hated back then. We have 2 Math subjects; Algebra and Trigonometry. I have always love Science but that year we had Chemistry which for the life of me I just can’t seem to appreciate then (I fell in love with Chemistry in college, thankfully!). Even my favorite subject Social Studies turned into a Math class since we had Economics instead of History. So, really, the third year was very hard for me academically.

I also have several crushes; none of which even seemed to notice me. I felt so physically unappealing. And to escape my situation at home, I preferred staying at a classmate/friend’s house rather than home. As the eldest, I am expected to help out more with the household chores which my teenage self-refused to do so. This behavior resulted in more fights between me and my father.

One night, my father was drunk which means he can freely talk to us (he rarely talks to us when he is sober) so as the rebellious member of the family that time I have to listen to his rants against me. I tried to argue but as we all know it is hard to argue with someone inebriated with alcohol. Our disagreement got so out of hand that I just want everything to stop. So I went to the kitchen and stared hard at the knives, willing myself to pull one out and just get everything over with.

I didn’t do it. I was too scared. Despite an almost non-existent relationship with Him, I know that there is a God and I am scared of Him.

It took another argument, this time with my mother present as she was visiting us, for me to finally blurt out the bitterness slowly eating my soul. After years of keeping it a secret, I, at last, told them that a relative tried to rape me multiple times in our own home. That day my father didn’t believe me though he did eventually. Since I can’t bear to stay there anymore, I opted to live with my mom. Even though living with her means no financial support except my tuition fee (there were a lot of days that my lunch consists of fishballs and kikiam which my mom sells those days), I never regretted that decision.

It was while living with my mom that I developed a relationship with God. Sadly, I did rebel against Him for several more times. It will still be more than a decade before I will truly accept His vital role in my life.

In the novel and series, Hannah Baker is clinically depressed. Clinical depression is a severe form of depression. It is the persistent feeling of sadness and emptiness. It isn’t caused by the loss of a loved one or failure at something. The closest I got with this kind of depression is when I experienced Post Partum Depression. For weeks, I was just going through the process of living and taking care of my little Queen B. It was a dark period of motherhood which, unfortunately, like clinical depression doesn’t get addressed enough. Again, it was through God’s love and grace coupled with the patience J is blessed with, that I was able to overcome Post Partum Depression. So yes, I can understand why Hannah, in her depressed state of mind, thought and believed that nothing in her life is worth living for.  

Thirteen Reasons Why brought back into my memory all the painful things that had happened to me. There will always be a part of me that wishes for a different past but I have moved on. I have already forgiven my parents for not giving me a better childhood. I have already forgiven that relative even though he never asked for it until his last breath. I have forgiven myself for my own selfish actions. Most importantly, I have asked for His forgiveness and continue to do so for my imperfections.

Hannah Baker’s story also made me more aware that a lot of our youth today are currently undergoing similar experiences. Last week, I also received the news of the death of a former student via suicide. And as a mom, I realized more than ever the importance of a parent’s role in his or her child’s life. We just don’t need to raise strong and resilient children who will not give up on life when they are presented with difficulties. We also have to guide and continuously pray for them to be someone who will not make another person even considers taking their own life. More than being intelligent, talented, or popular, it is important that we raise our children to be caring, selfless, and loving towards others. And when they hurt someone (they are bound to), they need to know how to ask for forgiveness and make amends.  

Lastly, my former student’s death and Thirteen Reasons Why reminded me that life without God would seem empty, useless, and hopeless. Without Him, it is so easy to give up and surrender to the darkness. But life with Jesus is entirely different. Yes, there will still be suffering and pain but His unfailing love will always be there to give us strength and joy so just lay it all down on Him.

#xoxo

Lady